Comparison: The Thief of Becoming
Have you ever found that your best solution to a problem was to compare? Maybe you have measured yourself against others by way of questioning your physical appearance, your achievements, or your bank account. In many ways we are influenced to think that comparison is a way to know where to go.
Teddy Roosevelt once said that comparison is the thief of joy, I don't disagree with that, but I think it may resonant deeper as the thief of becoming. It robs us of the clarity and the peace that we are each known by our Creator and made for something. Comparison says the opposite, comparison discounts our unique gifts and pressures us to fit a mold. Comparison shouts that you needn’t listen or wait but act now before it’s too late. In fact, you probably should've had this figured out yesterday like so and so did.
Let’s break down what I have learned to be some of the signs and costs of comparison in daily life.
Comparison promotes competition
Nervous system researcher Deb Dana, says there are two nervous system pathways of comparison. One leads toward our ventral vagal, social engagement state, while the other moves us into fight or flight and then collapses into the dorsal state of isolation and shut down. Comparison is a universal experience, we all do it, because we are creatures of organization and problem solvers. Our brains intuitively look for differences and work to find an efficient solution. Comparison activates the fight or flight response which turns off the ability to make decisions (prefrontal cortex) and tolerate distress. The amygdala starts running the show, (emotional memory house) and therefore decisions fizzle and become emotionally charged and overwhelmed.
We don’t have to know how our physiology responds during comparison to recognize that it can feel a lot like a competitive game that no one else is aware you are playing. You might start to notice that once this is set in motion jumping ahead of the Holy Spirit can happen pretty quickly. It might sound like “She is doing that so I should too.” It might feel like disappointment or shame, so you go ahead and act on it with impulse to find relief. Notice the areas of your life that feel performative or the places you find your greatest discontentment. There you will likely find the quiet competition playing out in your head. Remember…you are the ref and can call the game whenever you are ready.
Comparison blinds you to what works best for you
Often it is only when we stop looking at what others are doing that we can figure out what works for us. Social media shows us how simple and aesthetic life can be with just a clink of a link and the charge of your card. The problem with this is that even all those things someone suggests, whether free or costly, may still not work best for your life. Our homes, kids, nutritional needs, and body shapes are all different - and that is a good thing. God has a unique gifting and life for you. The enemy wants to distract us towards what we don’t have, when practicing the presence of God there is almost always a shift from deprivation to abundance. Every moment I am aware enough, God has shown me with thoughtfulness what He has provided to meet my exact needs in this exact season of life - even when the internet might say otherwise.
Comparison ignites urgency
Once the comparison wheels begin to spin, they can quickly spin out of control. I have never had a conversation with comparison that wasn’t in a rush. Comparison leaves out any opportunity for “not yet” and demands credentials upfront. The beauty of learning and of the sanctification process, though sometimes hard and frustrating, is the grace that comes with a slower pace. God isn’t expecting nor demanding that we already know. In fact, this mindset often relies solely on our own strength. A slower pace of life allows space for abiding with the Lord and acknowledging that all our strength comes from Him. He invites us to walk when sometimes we feel the pressure to run. There is a time and place for running - its exhilarating, detoxifying even, yet often we don’t learn or perform best at such a fast pace. Notice when you feel the urge to run rather than walk.
Comparison is the thief of becoming
I wonder if we have become addicted to comparison and in doing so, lost the ability to trust ourselves and become who we are called to be. Addictions take up time and resources. Addictions distort who you are and can deteriorate your relationships. Sound familiar? You may find that when you are in a rut of comparison, you feel negatively about yourself and about others. Whether you have a tendency to compare upwards, “everyone is better than me”, or down - the act of comparing yourself with constant access to everyone else’s life via social media is draining you. It is stealing your attention, your time, and your calling.
If you are exhausted from comparing 24/7. Try the following:
90 day detox
Get off social media completely for 3 months. Watch your life come back into view and your sense of self steady. Decide what your new relationship with social media will be after 90 days.
Add gratitude
Once you notice you are comparing, see if you can pause and notice something you are grateful for. Similar to depression, comparison can keep our minds in a negative rut. Gratefulness is the transportation out of the rut.
Practice His presence
Read a free copy of The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. Comparison strips our dependence on the Lord and has the power to destroy how we view ourselves and our purpose. Practice bringing the Lord into each moment of your day and witness the urge to compare lessen.
